Texas Giants

I pulled into Panhandle after a long drive from Crosbyton where I closed a deal to sell a front loader to the owner of the dinosaur museum. I was all I could do to get the signature on the sales contract and get out of there. The museum housed real and fake dinosaur remains. It also featured two tour guides who talked endlessly about the exhibits, sprinkling in references to bible stories that in their minds proved that the earth and all the heavens were created on Monday, October 23, 4004BC. Carbon dating, I learned, was the Devil’s Work. I nodded at the right places, took their pamphlets, hopped in my car and pointed it towards Jackie’s Cold Day Inn, 130 miles north.

How Noah got dinosaurs on the ark

The first thing I noticed when I walked into Jackie’s was that the seven-foot long nude portrait of Jackie¹ that had been hanging over the bar for years was missing. Its pale outline against the smoke stained wall bore testament to how long it had hung there. I stared at the space.

Jackie sighed, put down the mug she was polishing and said, “You and everybody else done the same thing since I took it down. Beer or Jack?” I said both and took a seat at the table in the corner near the door. Over the years that table’s been informally reserved for Sheriff Tom, Doc Harris, Les, and for me whenever I’m in town. It has a view of the street outside and the whole bar inside. The only person who sits in the corner chair is the Sheriff.

Mind your manners and don't swear unless you have to

Jackie brought my drinks and said, “The Sheriff and Doc Harris’ll be coming in soon. Go ahead and ask – why did I take it down.”

Not waiting for an answer she put her hands on her hips and said, “Saturday a buncha gits from the oil rigs came in and made a fuss over the painting. One of ‘em jumped up on the bar and was runnin’ his paws over it while his buddies whistled and hooted. Wendy called the Sheriff but before he got here Milo knocked the kid off the bar and served him a plate of what he had comin’. I guess the other three were smarter, put their hands in the air, gathered up what was left of their bud and took off before the Sheriff arrived. We gave him the names. I think they went to Doc Harris’ clinic to patch ‘im up but I don’t know for sure.

“Anyhow, the painting got some damage where the kid touched it, big ole smudge on the thighs. I was gonna wash it off but Milo said that would make it worse, said he could fix it.”

She looked up as Sheriff Tom, Les, and Doc Harris came in. They paused and stared at the blank space. “Good lord, Tom. When are all ah you gonna grow up? Milo’s not done with it yet.”

Les spoke first. “You’re a hard woman, Jackie. Me, Tom and Doc, we appreciate fine art, ‘specially naked fine art. When are you gonna settle the argument about the tattoo? Right or left breast?

Doc Harris nodded but the Sheriff’s face reddened. Jackie smirked and turned away, headed for the bar to fix their drinks saying, “Les, I just might do that but only one man in Panhandle’s seen it and he ain’t talkin’ if he ever wants to see it again.” We followed her eyes to see if her look stopped at one of us. It didn’t.

The men sat down with me. Sheriff Tom settled into his chair, put his arms up and stretched like a cat going down for a nap. “Long day, pulling double shifts while my deputy’s sick.”

He caught my eye and gestured towards the blank space. “That painting is kind of a landmark. A local girl, Gina Wilson, painted it years ago after she went to San Francisco, made a name for herself. Now she’s so high up in the art world she don’t even need a last name. In those circles, you say ‘Gina’, everybody knows who you’re talking about.”

Can't show it on FaceBook

Jackie gave Les the stink eye as she set our drinks on the table. Tom noticed it and said, “Didn’t you and the Women Only Night² ladies ask Milo to make membership cards with a picture of the painting on the back? Like a symbol of their womanhood.”

Jackie wasn’t having any of that. “It was Becky, the church lady, made that suggestion, not me. All I do is give ‘em a place to meet. I’m no hero. Besides, there’s no members. First rule of Women Only Night is show up or don’t, your choice.”

I thought it might be a good idea to change the subject so I talked about my visit at the dinosaur museum and gave Doc one of the pamphlets.

Sheriff Tom glanced at the pictures and said, “You mean the one in Crosbyton? The one with the mastodons and rocks they say are dinosaur turds? I had a preacher come through town one day, said he was on his way there to hold a tent revival.

“His first stop here was at Jackie’s askin' for directions. Wrong move.”

Tom paused and motioned to Jackie, “You tell it.”

Jackie talked as she gathered the empty glasses and bottles from our table and went behind the bar.

“The preacher walks in and right away he starts in on me. He’s dressed head to toe in black, hair down to his shoulders, holding a bible under his arm, he points at me and says I’m dishonoring the Lord ‘cause I wear my hair short. He sees Wendy’s pony tail, doesn’t like it either. Quotes some bible passage, don’t remember which ones. Don’t care.

“He slammed the bible on the bar, leaned in on me and said some more about women and short hair. I said, ‘Mister, I killed the last man that complained about my hair. And I’ll tell you what, it felt good. I think he mighta been a preacher, too.’

“He waved his hand in the air like he didn’t care what I said, wants to talk to my boss. I said I’m the boss, this is my bar, you best get out while you can, and I pulled out my Louisville Slugger.

A homer with every swing

“He sees the bat, takes a step back, raises his arms and head to the heavens. That’s when he sees my portrait over the bar. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack right there. So then I’m thinkin’ if his ticker goes haywire, should I let him be or should I call EMS?

“But he don’t go down. He looks at the picture, he looks at me, and figures out it’s the same woman. He opens his word hole but nothin’ comes out, I’m holdin’ the Slugger over my shoulder, he picks up his bible, turns around and leaves. I call out, ‘Next time you see me I’ll be doin’ laps in the Lake of Fire, naked. Come watch if you want.’”

I looked around the table and saw everybody smiling and chuckling. Sometimes the stories I hear aren’t told exactly as they happened but when I locked eyes with Wendy who was wiping down the bar, her smile said, “Yeah, that’s how it was.”

Sheriff Tom cleared this throat and said, “After Jackie told me about the preacher I called Sheriff Ken in Crosbyton, old friend of mine, and asked him what about this preacher. Ole Ken wasn’t happy to hear that the preacher was heading his way. He always caused trouble scaring folks about the End Times being right around the corner, the Final Judgment, Eternal Punishment and all that, maybe even tonight! Get right with God now, and by the way, God needs your money so gimme some.

“Now I’ve known Ken a lotta years and he only goes to church when he can’t get out of it. But he doesn’t mind if preachers come to his town ‘cept for some that make the people miserable, tellin’ ‘em how evil they are and tellin’ how they’re all goin’ to hell if they don’t come to the Lord right then and there. If they got a positive message, preach the Sermon on the Mount, love one another or some such, they’re welcome to have their meetings. Otherwise, he runs ‘em out of town fast as he can.

“Said one time a bus full of semi-pro basketball players was passin’ through. It was right at dawn when the bus was just past the city limits, it broke down. The players got out to stretch their legs in a pasture. Like I said it’s early, heavy fog on the ground. So happens this preacher was up at that hour taking a walk. He sees these foggy giants with their 30 ft shadows moving around about a hundred yards away. So he gets his camera takes a picture. Later on he shows he picture around says it proves giants roam the earth like it says in the bible. That got some folks riled up, scared there were giants in the hills all around them. For Three days runnin’ the men formed search parties up and down the valley, guns racked and ready. Women and kids hole up in their houses, scared as hell. Hardly anybody in town shopping, schools half empty.

They walk among us and they play pretty good ball, too

“On the fourth day, near sundown, the same bus with the same ball players pass through, stop for gas at the edge of town. They get off the bus and go to the café next door for coffee. Sheriff Ken was there.

“The Sheriff knows that the giant talk is nonsense but there’s nothin’ he can do about it but he has an idea how to end it. 

“He drives up to the pasture where the preacher’s having his tent meeting and tells the crowd he’s got some new friends they should meet. A minute later a bus pulls up behind the sheriff’s cruiser and the ball players file out, giants, each and every one, come out of the bus, say hello to everybody, give the kids some basketballs, and go on their way.

“The preacher was mad as hell, tried to restart his meeting but he’d lost the audience. All they could talk about was the ball players. He was so p-o’d he cancelled the rest of the week’s meetings. But it didn’t end there. Ken had to lock him up the next day after he punched out the owner of the dinosaur museum who sponsored the revival. See, they were supposed to split the take from the collections but the museum guy kept it all.”

The phone behind the bar rang and Wendy answered. She said ok and hung up.

“Hey, guys”, she said. “That was Milo. The painting’s done. He’s bringing it over tomorrow afternoon.” We all cheered. I called my boss in Amarillo and told him I had to stay in Panhandle another day --- some hot prospects turned up, etc., etc.

The next night Jackie’s was full. Customers had been drifting in since early afternoon though the unveiling was scheduled for 7:00 PM. The ladies from Women Only Night² were there in force and so were all the men. The painting was up on the wall with a silk sheet over it. Drinks were half price so everyone was either happily soused or getting there. Even Becky and the church ladies were having fun, joking, and laughing with everybody.

At seven o’clock Jackie stood on a chair and announced that the unveiling would proceed. Someone yelled “Hallelujah” and the cry went up from the crowd, “Hallelujah! Preach it, brother!”

The preacher who happened to be in Panhandle overnight was walking off a big dinner he’d had at Mamacita's Diner an hour before. He heard the hallelujah chorus as he passed by Jackie’s and thought there was a revival going on and money for him even if it was in a bar. He stepped in just as Jackie said, “Ok, folks, listen up. The next person walks in gets to pull off the cover.”

Jackie's Cold Day Inn viewed through a window

Footnotes

1. This link goes to the story "Texas Diamond". It tells about the origin of the nude portrait.
https://tserved.blogspot.com/2016/05/texas-diamond.html

2. This link is about how Women Only Night was organized and the night the members decided to edit the Bible.
https://tserved.blogspot.com/2016/09/thirty-women-walk-into-bar.html