Half, Texas, population 0

Who's your daddy?

Sheriff Tom was holding forth at Jackie’s Cold Day Inn when I arrived from sales calls one Friday afternoon. A smart storyteller, Tom could spin yarns so convincing that you could believe every word without realizing he’d slowly led you into absurdities at the end.

As usual, the Sheriff told his tales between sips of bourbon and drags on his Cheroots, letting the story out a bit at a time. Doc Harris, Les, Mike from the Conoco station were sitting with him. Doris, Wendy, Gary, and Rollie were at the next table listening carefully. Jackie busied herself behind the bar, pretending not to listen. She’d fallen for Tom’s stories too many times before.

“I bet nobody here’s ever heard of Half, Texas. I hadn’t either until my grandfather, rest his soul, told me about it when I was 10, 11 years old. At that age you’re not believin’ everything your mom and pop have told you anymore, like when your daddy told you about a monster catfish he caught before you were born. Thing so big, bigger than his boat. But when it comes to Grampa every word he says is God’s truth. Yes,sir. God’s truth.

“First he told me about a place called Texico. Now all of you know Texico's a real city right on the border between Texas and New Mexico. Some of you probly been there once or twice. It’s actually two cities but being right smack on the border, half the city goes by New Mexico rules and the other half follows Texas laws. I suppose that can get confusing for folks once in a while but their troubles are kinda trivial compared to a place once known as Half, Texas.

“Half, Texas doesn’t exist anymore and some folks even say it never existed but I’ll still take my Grampa’s words over anybody else’s. So there you have it.

“Back around 1890 a prospector claimed he found gold in the nearby hills. As you might ‘spect, there was a gold rush but not a very big one. Half, Texas was way the hell and gone from any civilization such as it was in Texas at the time and there were easier pickings in other places. For a while there was talk about the railroad adding a spur to connect the town to the rest of the world but that never came to be.

“The gold petered out sometime in 1920. Actually, there wasn’t much there to begin with but every prospector I’ve ever known wakes up every morning thinking today is the day I’ll hit the mother lode. So the town grew to about 2000 souls at the peak in 1922, 23. A few hardy families started farms or ranches. Some opened businesses, general store, blacksmith, saloons, even an undertaker/doctor/dentist/barber. Everything was fine for a few years but the truth is, there wasn’t much there to grow the town any more than it was already. There wasn’t much water from the wells and the land wasn’t suited for bumper crops of anything but lizards, mesquite and sagebrush.

“Then in 1931 government surveyors showed up to figure out exactly where the border between Texas and New Mexico was. Being so far from civilization the folks in Half, Texas didn’t give a damn where the border was. Where they were concerned it could well be either Texas or New Mexico.

“When the survey was done, the border between the two states was smack down the middle of Main Street. One side of the street was in Texas and the other in New Mexico. Still, that wasn’t a problem for the folks. Nothing changed. Nothing at all, until 1933 when Prohibition was repealed. There was so much celebratin’ everywhere you had to wonder how in the world the amendment was ever passed.

“The first signs of trouble came when a fella by the name Joe Jackson opened a saloon on the Texas side of the border. Now, you gotta remember that for a lotta folks, liquor is a sinful beverage and for years and years that sentiment was held by a large part of the population, ‘specially in the southern states. You talk to Becky and her church ladies today and you’ll hear pretty much the same things folks were saying about liquor back in the day.

“Alcohol was legal everywhere but not everybody thought that was a good thing. Some Texas lawmakers looked at alcohol and saw TAXE$ they could collect and some of it, maybe a lot of it, would stick to their hands on the way to the state treasury. Others in the lege, being God-fearing Christians, believed Demon Rum would spell the end of the world if anybody could have a beer anytime they got thirsty. The fight in Austin raged on and on. One side wanted to stay good with God and ban liquor altogether while the other side saw MONEY to be made by making liquor legal. The Senate was deadlocked Even Steven.

“The Texas legislature’s never been compared to a monastery. Fact is, those particular Texas lawmakers improved the reputation of houses of ill repute and from what I see in the capitol now, that’s still true. To be fair, there was one Senator who refused bribes of any kind. The other Senators stayed away from him, somethin’ grievous wrong with ‘im, they said.

“At last, State Senator Wilford Solomon, proposed a solution. Now I know what you’re gonna think when I tell you what the solution was, but I swear my Grampa told me Wilford Solomon was his real name. And I believed what Grampa told me and I won’t even try to look it up, see if it’s true. He said he wondered why any parent would burden a boy with such a name as Wilford.

“You probly figured out what his solution was already. If you haven’t you don’t have to say so and embarrass yourself. I’ll tell you.

“Senator Solomon stood at the podium of the Senate building and talked for two hours laying out all the arguments for and against banning liquor or legalizing it. The Senators passed notes back and forth, went in an out of the chamber. A small group started a poker game while Senator Solomon thundered on. At last, the presiding chairman of the Senate woke from his nap and told Solomon to finish up and say what his solution was.

“The Senator held up a large map of Texas and proceeded to cut it in half, north to south, with his Buck knife. He declared that one side would allow liquor and the other would not. And further, seein’ as the east part of Texas had a lot more rain than the west part of Texas, the eastern side would allow liquor and the western side would not. Half of Texas would be dry and the other wet, just as Nature intended.

“You all know what happened in the bible when Solomon proposed cuttin’ a baby in half to settle who was gonna raise the kid ‘til he was eighteen and outa the house. But that dog didn’t even pretend to hunt in the Texas Senate. No sir, nobody liked it. There were wets and dries in every county as you might expect but finally the brave lawmakers found a way to walk away from the problem with clean hands. They passed the problem down to the people. Each county held a vote to decide whether to be wet or dry.

“This great state has 250 counties and so there were 250 votes and 250 different ways to deal with when, where, and how you could have a drink – all dry, all wet, part dry/wet, wet in this business but not that one. Every county figured out how to make a little problem into a big one.

“Give you a little geography here. Texico is in New Mexico, least ways, half of it is. The other half is in Texas but they couldn’t name it the same --- too many exicos. The Texicocans claimed naming rights since the first jail was built on the New Mexico side and they got their way. The Texas side became Farwell after the richest man there who also owned a bank, general store, and a sizeable ranch. So folks in Farwell became Farwellians or Farwellicans, pick one.

“When it came time to voting to be wet or dry, Texico stayed wet while Farwell went dry. If a Farwellian wanted to have a beer or whiskey all he had to do was cross over to Texico. Credit both halves of the divided city for adopting the same motto: My business ain’t none of yours and vicey versy.

“It coulda worked out the same in Half, Texas, but the churchy people were pretty strong on the Texas side. The Texas side was dry and that was all there was to it. If a Texan was seen going to or coming from a saloon on the New Mexico side of Main Street, woe to him.

“So a lotta folks brewed their own beer and made their moonshine at home. Trouble was that drinking alone’s not the same as getting together with your friends, drinking, trading lies, play some poker. No, only thing drinking alone did was make some mean drunks. Some men you tell ‘em they can’t do something they think is their god-given right, they’re like a hand grenade with the pin pulled out, a little agitation and they lose their grip.

“I told you in the beginning that a fella, Joe Jackson, opened a saloon on the wet side of town. The minister rallied his followers to clamp down on Jackson’s customers and it got rough right away. It looked like the guns would be coming out next. But the saloon burned down and Jackson packed up and left town. The minister said it was a sign from God, praise be and all that but others thought different, wasn’t God’s hand that set the fire. After that things calmed down some but there was still bad feelings between the wets and the dries."

The Sheriff paused, lit another Cheroot and had Jackie bring him a fresh drink. He took a little sip and continued. 

“You all know that there’s smart people and not so smart people in the world. And there’s a third kind who’s smart in ways even the smartest people can’t ever be. My grampa had a word for them. He said they were crafty. You can look it up in the dictionary if you got one but the way he explained it he said it was like the guy who puts a dollar in the collection plate at church but his hand comes up with two dollars in it and nobody’s the wiser. Know what I mean?

“Bill Johnson was crafty. One day he stood in the middle of Main Street, one foot in Texas, the other in New Mexico. He looked down one way and up the other and saw an opportunity, fool proof, guaranteed to make him rich. Well, maybe not rich but better off than he was then, a stone-broke cowpoke. All he had to go was go courting.

“He spent the last of his money on new clothes, hat, and boots. Next he went to the undertaker/doctor/dentist/barber, got a haircut, and took a bath even though he wasn’t due for one for another month. He was ready to win the heart or hearts of Maggie or May Porter, didn’t matter which. They were identical twins.

“Growin’ up the twins’ folks did what most did in those times and dressed ‘em alike so you couldn’t tell one from the other unless you were payin’ attention. Maggie could do figures in her head and thought about next steps while May thought every minute was the start of a new day.

“The twins were ‘bout 22, 23 years old, spinsterhood creepin’ up on them when their folks died and left them a nice spread with two natural springs at the end of Main Street. They weren’t bad looking at all but there weren’t too many single men to choose from that weren’t too old or too crude. So when Bill Johnson sat next to them in church they were surprised that this cowboy didn’t smell like a hard rode horse. He said howdy to them and went his way. Maggie and May were smitten.

“Soon after Bill came calling. Both women were enchanted and fell in love with the not smelly cowboy. There were carriage rides in the country, church on Sundays, and picnics by the springs. Finally, Bill popped the question. He was with May at the time. She said let me think about it, trying not to sound desperate. He asked again the next week and Maggie said yes, she would marry him, but what was he bringing to the marriage besides not smelling bad? Maggie, remember, was the smart one.

“Bill was ready for that. He said, we get married and I’ll build a business on your property at the end of Main Street. One half will be on the Texas side, the other on the New Mexico side. May can run a café on the Texas side, and Maggie can run a saloon on the New Mexico side. I’ll take care of the supplies, keep the peace in the saloon if I need to. A customer can have some grub at the café then cross over to the saloon for a snort or two and there’s nothin’ the law or anybody can do about it.

“Maggie said let me think on it. That night the twins talked about which one of them would be Mrs. Johnson, they were both in love with Bill. It didn’t take long to decide. They’d been sharing everything since they were born. Why not share Bill?

“The wedding took place in June. Bill married May or maybe it was Maggie.

“Just like he said he would, Bill went to work on the café-saloon building right after the wedding. Maggie was thinking ahead. She said, Bill, you’re thinking too small. Make it big enough so families can come to the café after church, have a nice sit-down meal, relax, order big. On the saloon side, you need tables for six, comfy chairs, so the men stay awhile drinkin' and shootin’ the bull.

“Four months later, the café-saloon was ready for business. May was in charge of the kitchen and the café while Maggie kept the books and ran the saloon.

“On opening day the townsfolk gathered around, curious as hell, but nobody went inside. They stood in a crowd about a hundred feet away, gawking, trying to get a peek inside. It wasn’t a secret what Bill, Maggie and May were doing. Anybody asked, they told ‘em.

“The minister was there, of course, he’d spent the last four months doing what my granddaddy said was his job which was to scare people into heaven, preaching about the how godly men and women could lose their virtue to the demons liquor would unleash on them. He said just being near a saloon would displease the heavenly father and so on. The flock was so fearful they probly thought they’d see the flames of hell coming up through the floorboards in the café.

“The three of them, Bill, Maggie and May stood on the porch in front of the café. After an hour with nobody coming in, they walked over to the minister and said come on in, sir, and bring your bible, it’ll keep you safe. You come out alive, soul intact, you’ll see.

“The minister looked at them one at a time, give ‘em a face like he wanted them to burst into flames. But he was a man like any other, curiosity eatin’ at ‘im like battery acid. He turned to his flock, raised the bible over his head, and told them to pray for him. He was goin’ in.

“They showed him the café, big enough for five or six families, nice curtains, clean floors, kitchen, stoves, wood pile right outside, stacks of plates, cups and glasses. The next nicest looking place was hundreds of miles away in Dallas. The ladies’ room was fixed up with silk flowers and little bottles of cologne, mirrors, clean as a whistle. The men’s room was as plain as could be. It had doors at opposite ends. One door led to the café, the other to the saloon. A man could have a sit down with his family, go through the men’s room into the bar for a quick snort and come back. The bar was like any other except it was clean, lots of light from windows all around.

“Now, you might be wondering about the women. Like, maybe they might want a bit of whiskey now and then. At home they could have a sip or two of their husband’s moonshine but in secret, you know? You let ‘em drink in public, next thing you know they wanna be paid for housework, slippery slope and all. Maggie thought about that, too. She didn’t show the minister the mirror in the ladies’ room that opened on hidden hinges. The other side of that mirror opened to the bar. Maggie would oblige with a slug of bourbon, add it to the café bill as extra biscuits.

“Well, the minister refused to be impressed about the wholesomeness of it all and said so in plain language. Maggie looked him in the eye and said, Minister, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come, just like me at your place .”

Jackie caught Sheriff Tom's attention and pointed to the six beer clocks above the bar. He said ok, drained his glass and got up to leave.

"Sorry, folks, but I gotta go, else my deputy'll be sore at me if I'm late."

I had to ask what happened to Half, Texas. Tom said he didn’t know. Towns just dry up and blow away. There’s probably hundreds here and gone in Texas and nobody remembers when or why.

Doris said, “Sheriff, before you go, did your grampa say if the Johnson twins had any kids?”

Tom put his hat on and said, “No, he didn’t say anything about kids but drivin' around the county I've thought about it now and again.

“It gets complicated pretty fast. Let’s say the women have boys, one each. Well, Bill is the daddy. Maggie’s boy is a half brother and cousin to May’s boy and vice versa. But then Maggie is stepmother and aunt to May’s boy and May is stepmother and aunt to Maggie’s boy. Change one of boys to a girl then you get half sisters, cousins. If you add more kids you’ll get lost in the weeds in a hurry. Probly the easiest way to think about it is all the kids are brother or sister and their mothers are both Aunt Mommy, or something. Maybe you all can puzzle that out and let me know. 'G night."