My weekend on the Starship Enterprise

Long ago, in a galaxy far away, I was a crew member on the Starship Enterprise.

Well, no. The long ago I'm talking about was 17 years ago in downtown Miami. For some, Miami is on another planet given its unique place in the cultural spectrum of the USA. It's been called the capital of Latin America. Hundreds of flights to Latin America start and end there. You can go to Europe or the islands in the Caribbean from Miami but the huge majority of the flights go to South and Central America. Miami is home to ex-pats from dozens of countries worldwide. Anyone from just about anywhere in the world can find fully developed enclaves reflecting his or her country of origin, even Romulans or Vulcans.

Booga, booga, earthlings

Back in 1994 RCA hired me to set up and administer a service center network in each country where RCA was sold. That meant virtually every country and island south and east of Miami. I was to travel to each country or island to find, vet, and train technicians on the vagueries and quirks of our products. Until I was hired, this had not been done before though our salesmen had been opening markets for the 3 prior years. I was to be the  Service Operations Manager; a 47 year old, 130 pound Superman. My international experience up to then included some border crossings to Juarez, Mexico and a year's tour of Asia with the military. My corporate experience was zero.

The paragraphs above are the set up for how I became an unwilling Starship crew member for two days in June of 1994.

Departing or arriving? After a while I couldn't remember

RCA expected much from me. Carefully concealing my many trepidations about what to do next, I made a travel plan which would take me to a different country every week. The plan was to travel on Tuesdays and return to Miami on Fridays. I had no idea what RCA could do for me or what I could ask for without looking inexperienced so I asked for nothing that was not related to the business. I had no car and no place to stay. My family was still in El Paso prepping our house to sell. I found out later that RCA could have done a lot for me in those first months.
              
The first order of business was where to stay. Knowing nothing at all about Miami I drove down major streets until I found the Ernesto Motel near the airport. The rooms were moderately priced. I could rent by the day. Across the street there were modern office buildings and all around were apartment buildings. Looked ok. I should have been more careful but what did I know about anything?

$35 per night or $10 per hour

Does the eye shadow make me look fat?

The Ernesto Motel had two sections. The U-shaped structure had single story units on either side of the U and a two story section in the center. A woman with too much makeup and too red lipstick checked me into the upper story rooms. Between puffs of smoke from her cigarette she said "Thirty-five dollars a day, payable in advance, no credit, no credit cards!!" It was late, I checked in, fell asleep right away. It wasn't until the next night that I realized that the units on the laterals were rooms rented by the hour -- no credit, no credit cards and no doubt, rooms where you could take a shower and have a 45 minute catnap before you had to check out.

NO!!

For the next few weeks the routine was the same: Fly out on Tuesday, return Friday, spend the weekend at the Ernesto. My attempts at sociability with the woman in the office were ignored --- "$35, pay in advance, no credit, no credit cards" began and ended her conversations with me. Then one day, returning from a trip, I twisted my ankle so badly I could barely walk. Burdened with my garment bag and laptop, every step I took was agonizing. When I arrived at the Ernesto I asked for a room on the first floor, explaining that I was hurt. "Thirty-five dollars, in advance, room 2B". I asked again but she said no.

The longest mile

I paid, picked up my bags and began to climb the stairs, placing the bags on a riser, stepping up; placing the bags on the riser, stepping up; placing the bags on a riser, stepping up. I heard a whisper behind me, "Dios mio", as I reached the top of the stairs and turned left to my room, 2B.

It hurt as bad as it looked

 As I lay on the bed with my foot on a pillow my adventure on the Starship was about to begin. There was a soft knock on the door and Miss Congeniality from the office came in carrying a bucket of ice, a plastic bag and some towels. She put the ice in the bag, wrapped it a towel and put it on my swollen ankle. Then she stood on a chair and turned on the old TV, the one with a manual, rotary channel changer.

I listened to the local news and when that was over the announcer brayed that the                      48 HOUR STAR TREK MARATHON IS NEXT! 
"My god," I thought, "I've died and gone to a circle of hell that even Dante never imagined."

Me too, Cap'n Quirk. Me too.

Trick or Treat!!

Scene: There I was, an employee of a manufacturer of 7 million state of the art TV's each year plus twice as many remote controls. I was in bed with a painfully twisted ankle, an ancient Muntz TV that could only be reached by standing on a chair, no remote control; and William Shatner with his cast from Hollywood's Finest Halloween Costume Emporium playing all weekend. Tales told by idiots. Sound, fury, and in some episodes I'm sure I saw Furries.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."                              Macbeth

Scene from a "lost" episode of Star Trek

If it starts to rain remember to close your mouths, boys

One of these days, Alice, to the Moon!

You may have guessed by now that I don't care for science fantasy/fiction and I especially don't like TV costume soap operas that litter the set with bad science while committing felonious assault of the laws of physics, credibility, and method acting. Fortunately, all I had to do to keep from driving pencils into my ears was to kick my bad ankle with my good foot. Hard.