Just nod and say, "Uh, Huh"

On December 31, 2007, 12:00 PM I left my office for the last time. There was no one there to bid me farewell, wish me luck, or lament my leaving. All my co-workers were on Christmas holiday. I redirected my phone line to the secretary’s phone, turned off the lights, locked the doors and went home. I was unemployed and officially laid off but eligible for recall by my former company though I was pointedly told that that would not happen. The company I worked for had been sold.

Some people think it’s ironic that after spending my entire adult life working on and with consumer electronics (TV’s, stereos, satellite dishes) I don’t own a TV. The same people might think I’m being elitist in some way that lets me brag about the fact that I don’t watch television like the vast majority of lesser folks. Actually, the reason is more prosaic. I don’t have a TV because there isn’t much I want to watch. Paying subscription fees to DirecTV or Comcast doesn’t make sense if you’re only interested in a handful of programs; and furthermore, if you miss those programs, there is a ‘so what’ moment in which you understand that if you never see those shows again your life will not change in any way whatsoever.

"Everybody lies" ~ House

The other night I was watching an episode of “House, M.D.” on Hulu. “House” is about a brilliant doctor whose misanthropy closely mirrors mine. My mastery of my profession doesn’t remotely resemble House’s fictional one but we are pretty close in our views about human nature. But all that aside, Hulu provides its internet users with current TV programs for free but has periodic commercial breaks. The frequency of the interruptions is about the same as regular TV watching but with a curious addition. The commercials are interactive. As the commercial plays a message appears at the top right of the computer screen asking: “Is this advertising relevant to you?  “Yes”  /  “No”. You can click “Yes” or “No” and Hulu responds with a polite thank you message.

I usually respond “No” because commercials for women’s makeup don’t apply to me. I already have good insurance; I don’t eat fast foods; my pets eat store brand kibble; I don’t suffer from high blood pressure, anxiety, chronic back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, or rickets; I’m not looking for a new car. In fact, based on my “No” responses my relevance to Hulu’s commercial sponsors is zero. I cement my disinterest even more by muting the sound during commercials, which if there is some way they can know this too, the advertisers could in theory, block my access but that would be overkill. Besides, I could be watching the program, muted commercials and all, with someone for whom the advertising is relevant. 

Dr. House was busy solving yet another mystery that had baffled the entire medical community. The scene closed as House insulted his staff for 137^th time. I looked away as the commercial played and saw a photograph of me petting Nipper, our company mascot, almost eighteen years ago. Considering that the pup was about 4 years old at the time, he must be over 150 years old now. And I’ll bet any money that I’m in better shape than he is. The color picture has been fading steadily and in a few years it will scarcely be visible. I’m fading from that memento as surely as I’m fading into irrelevance in the workaday world. 

 

In Doggy Dollars he earned 7 times my salary

Even though that sounds gloomy, the opposite is true. Anonymity has been sort of an unplanned goal of mine for many years. Just as I did, nearly every working person I’ve known in the last forty years has said that they daydream about being ‘out of the rat race’. Well, it feels great to be free of office hours, frequent travel, annoying co-workers, deadlines, freeway traffic, and PTA meetings, among dozens of other demands of pre-retirement life.

I've Fallen and I can't get up

My cell phone is permanently turned off. Telemarketers are discouraged from calling my home phone because I signed up with the Do Not Call directory. When LDS members knock on my door I tell them that I’m a lapsed Mormon and they flee as though from the devil himself. I got that tip from a friend who told me LDS members are commanded to have no contact whatsoever with members who have “fallen” into apostasy.

I actually like people but only for short periods unless they know something I want to know. My reserve of small talk so tiny that I have to prepare and rehearse bits of information whenever I know I’m going to be among people other than my family. Using a trick I learned from my dog, I do a lot of nodding and cocking my head when someone tells me details about their lives that they shouldn’t be telling anyone but their Confessor. 

No......... I did not know Snooki was such a bitch

A long time ago I read a dedication to book whose title I’ve forgotten now. To paraphrase the dedication it said that if you can sit perfectly still, the world will unfurl itself at your feet. I took that to mean that if you paid attention and listened closely you could know everything you would ever need to know. With today’s technology I can sit perfectly still and watch the world unfurl itself on my laptop. My fast internet connection allows me to know of events large and small from the world over. I partake of lots of silliness as well as hard news about various predations taking place here and elsewhere. Thanks to the internet I can take a long view of history which tells me that the arrival of Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse isn’t imminent. In fact, they haven’t even saddled up yet. 

Lots of horsepower and horse pucky

It’s really hard to organize even a smallnumber of individuals to do anything in unison. Just ask any high school basketball coach. 

Just once, can you do it like you practiced?

 

The world may not know or care who or where I am but I know where the world is.